Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Musk vs. Zuck
Could billionaires Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg actually square off in a boxing match? The author says she’d love to see it. Photo: Getty Images
The on again/off again “cage match” between Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk is the spectacle we’ve all not been waiting for. A “thrillah of vanillah” if you will. Who is honestly pining to see these two pasty-faced, glassy-eyed billionaires beat the livin’ crap out of each other? Wait. Now that I just wrote that it sounds kinda fun. OK, all in.
Although details are still being worked out—it has been off and on a few times in the past month–America’s most dysfunctional couple haven’t ruled out settling their differences the old-fashioned way: in a Vegas boxing ring complete with a guy in a tuxedo reaching up for an oversized mic that looks like it was left over from a Bob Hope gig. Or so I imagine.
“In this corner, weighing in at… let’s see, says here, ‘nunya business’ is Elon Musk, inventor of the wheel, fire, exploding rocket ships and cars that make a six-hour trip take twice as long…
“And in this corner, weighing in at ‘I’m sorry, Senator, that is proprietary information’ is Mark Zuckerberg, whose Facebook invention is the reason you no longer speak to most of your high school friends, but you do possess an uncanny ability to correctly answer ‘What kind of snake is this?’”
While most sane folks thought this battle of the billionaires would disappear as quickly as the sign-up sheet for a Titan submarine ride, apparently the cage match is, to use technical fight terminology, “on like Donkey Kong.” Which, for those of you who didn’t live through the ‘80s means it is “very on indeed.”
Further, Musk suggested they kick things off with–and I am not making this up– “a literal (penis) measuring contest.”
Lord. Have. Mercy.
Zuckerberg’s way too classy to respond to such middle-school locker room bully bait as that. Also, his is made entirely of Styrofoam like the rest of his host body.
Both Musk and Zuckerberg claim to be training for the big match. Zuckerberg has even released photos of himself winning a jiu jitsu contest, but I couldn’t tell if the others in the class were, like, 4 feet tall, which I strongly suspect.
Musk’s publicity people point out he was in more than a couple of “street fights” growing up in South Africa. No doubt his schoolmates didn’t take kindly to his constant suggestions they have a you-know-what measuring contest.
Kidding! I’m sure he was fighting to retrieve the purses of elderly nuns from street toughs.
For years, these two have sniped at one another while, I imagine, Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos secretly watch them via hidden cameras and toast one another with goblets filled with the tears of “actual workers.”
If you’re wondering what exactly provoked this cage match “solution,” to their long and bitter feud, it’s because Zuckerberg’s new “Threads” app is threatening Musk’s Twitter app. In its first week, Threads racked up 100 million users, which is, carry the one…a lot.
Twitter has 368 million users worldwide, but Musk’s petulant and Draconian management has led the formerly bustling world of loofah influencers and Division 3 athletes to wonder if there’s not something better out there.
Enter Threads, which, so far, doesn’t have the shrill 800 tweets a day from its Dear Leader that many Twitter users have found increasingly off-putting. Hey, we just want to find out if Mindy Kaling takes Ozempic. Quit clogging up the Twitterverse with your dumb pouts.
Clearly, this is the sort of thing that should be decided in the ring when Zuckerberg and Musk are ready to rumble!
Musk has a 45-pound size advantage on Zuckerberg according to the New York Post, but Nick Bilton, author of “Hatching Twitter” isn’t worried, saying: “Mark Zuckerberg is the silent killer.”
Ha! And all this time I thought that was blood pressure.
Stay tuned, y’all. This is going to be some fun.
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