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Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Are you smarter than an 8th grader? Not if you’re MTG
Quit picking on U.S. eighth graders for having the lowest scores in history and civics ever. Give ‘em a break. Heck, some of them are working late nights at McDonald’s in Kentucky WITH THEIR YOUNGER SIBLINGS. The recent handwringing about how little eighth graders know about history and civics is understandable, but the kids still […]
Celia Rivenbark: The only thing that can save us is…big pharma?!
There’s an old joke that if men were the ones who got pregnant, they’d be able to get an abortion at a 7-Eleven. I’d go a step further and say they’d also demand a Big Gulp and free taquitos from the “hot” bar before they left. Such is the entitlement of those men who talk […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Could I be replaced by an AI chatbot?
With so much chitchat about AI chatbots replacing writers, I’ve been curious about how a bot would fare writing a weekly humor column. Could it sift through decades of columns and, in seconds, replicate my writing style so effectively you wouldn’t know the difference? Nah. I mean, right? I mean, I hope not? Besides, I […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Store closure has me feeling beyond sad
The news was a real gut-punch. I’m sure you felt the same. We will always remember exactly where we were and what we were doing when we learned…Bed, Bath & Beyond was going out of business. My first thought was admittedly selfish. I should’ve felt empathy for all the blue-aproned employees who suddenly found themselves […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Clarence Thomas meets Blanche at H&R Block
“Mr. Thomas! Clarence Thomas! Yes, please have a seat in that last cubicle on the left and our Gold Star Tax Preparer Blanche will be right with you. We’re so happy you have chosen H&R Block!” CT: “Thanks. I meant to come by weeks ago, so I guess I’ll need an extension. Usually, the wife […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Kid Rock & friends trying to find a beer to cry in
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I saw the video of Kid Rock using an assault rifle to blow apart a case of Bud Light. (If you just thought to yourself, “What’s a Kid Rock?” advance 10 spaces and collect my undying admiration.) A quick explanation: Kid Rock is a multi-genre singer-songwriter […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: It’s only rock n’ roll…at 1 p.m. on a Wednesday
Oh, thank you, Jamie Lee Curtis, for bringing to the nation’s attention a problem that many of us, er, “seasoned citizens” have been too embarrassed to talk about. No, not bladder control. Honestly, I can’t take you people anywhere. I’m talking about why—oh, why—our favorite bands won’t have concerts at a decent hour. Like, says […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Finland? The happiest country?
Well, lah-di-dah and pass the Sima! Finland has been named the Happiest Country in the World. Again. For the sixth straight year, if you’re keeping track. And I am. Finland? A word, please? OK, listen. Way back in the 1990s, a very talented American actress named Candice Bergen starred in the wildly popular sitcom “Murphy […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Just call me “your majesty” and we’ll get along fine
A recent CNN story revealed young women—and many older ones—hate being addressed as “ma’am.” All y’all say “Duh.” The timing of the story was odd since the network is still dealing with fallout from host Don Lemon’s boneheaded declaration that presidential hopeful Nikki Haley, 51, is “not in her prime.” Which is worse than 50 […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: The right’s war on abortion leads to a vasectomy boom
American men are getting vasectomies in record numbers and the reason is as plain as the twin vertical lines on a positive pregnancy test: Last year, the Supreme Court abolished the constitutional right to abortion that had been in place for 50 years, allowing each state to protect, restrict or outright ban abortion.
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: A little history lesson (and common sense) on drag shows
A friend recently gave me an illustrated history of the small town I grew up in—Wallace, N.C.— and I still can’t believe what I saw while thumbing through the pages. Drag queens. Tons of ‘em! And guess what else…They were, in many cases, the dads of the friends I grew up with! There was the […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Would-be book censors need to chill out
A few years ago, I wrote a book called “You Don’t Sweat Much for a Fat Girl.” It was a “New York Times” bestseller, and I’ll always be convinced the in-your-face title was the biggest reason. Today, the folks obsessed with protecting the world from anything remotely funny or colorful would change that title to: […]