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Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Finland? The happiest country?
Well, lah-di-dah and pass the Sima! Finland has been named the Happiest Country in the World. Again. For the sixth straight year, if you’re keeping track. And I am. Finland? A word, please? OK, listen. Way back in the 1990s, a very talented American actress named Candice Bergen starred in the wildly popular sitcom “Murphy […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Just call me “your majesty” and we’ll get along fine
A recent CNN story revealed young women—and many older ones—hate being addressed as “ma’am.” All y’all say “Duh.” The timing of the story was odd since the network is still dealing with fallout from host Don Lemon’s boneheaded declaration that presidential hopeful Nikki Haley, 51, is “not in her prime.” Which is worse than 50 […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: The right’s war on abortion leads to a vasectomy boom
American men are getting vasectomies in record numbers and the reason is as plain as the twin vertical lines on a positive pregnancy test: Last year, the Supreme Court abolished the constitutional right to abortion that had been in place for 50 years, allowing each state to protect, restrict or outright ban abortion.
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: A little history lesson (and common sense) on drag shows
A friend recently gave me an illustrated history of the small town I grew up in—Wallace, N.C.— and I still can’t believe what I saw while thumbing through the pages. Drag queens. Tons of ‘em! And guess what else…They were, in many cases, the dads of the friends I grew up with! There was the […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Would-be book censors need to chill out
A few years ago, I wrote a book called “You Don’t Sweat Much for a Fat Girl.” It was a “New York Times” bestseller, and I’ll always be convinced the in-your-face title was the biggest reason. Today, the folks obsessed with protecting the world from anything remotely funny or colorful would change that title to: […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Sleeping in separate bedrooms doesn’t equal broken marriage
When you’ve been married a long time, there’s just a natural evolution of how, and even where, you go to sleep. While neither Duh Hubby nor I curl up together at night–“Is that your foot? OMG, why is your foot on my side? Ewwwww!” (and to be clear, that was him squealing, not me) we […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Our increasingly hysterical weather forecasts
Every now and then I get nostalgic for the old days of TV weather updates when the scariest possible event was “black ice,” two words spoken in the gravest of tones by trusted forecasters. Black ice? Only a lunatic would leave the house with that stuff maliciously forming invisible inky tentacles on roads and bridges, […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: People are passionate about puddin’
There are two foods Southerners are powerfully passionate about: barbecue and banana pudding. Let’s go ahead and stipulate Eastern North Carolina vinegar and red pepper-sauced barbecue is best and move on now to … wait… where did half of y’all go? Oh, well. On to banana pudding, which is honestly on my mind most of […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Maps are back and I’m not happy about it
I thought it was charming when millennials embraced vinyl albums making turntables, amps and waist-high speakers cool again. Same when Gens X, Y and Z demonstrated a fondness for fondue, bell bottoms, lava lamps and shag rugs. But now the kids have gone too far. The map is back. Yeah, the kind you can never […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: My gas appliances are out to get me
I’m generally a pretty optimistic person. Easily pleased and happily at the stage of life where I’m grateful for the little things. How little? Well, if I create a new password and I’m rewarded on the first try with “Strong!” my flippin’ day is made. Despite this generally sunny outlook, I’m in a bit of […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Classified presidential document do’s and don’ts
It’s obvious to this Southern woman some of y’all in the Oval Office don’t know what a burn barrel is, and it shows. Every Southerner knows that’s where you put all the stuff you don’t need anymore (like, say, a classified document) and you don’t necessarily want anyone else to find it. Do it at […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: What’s your diet lifestyle choice? Kidding, I don’t really care
I’ve been thinking a lot about ’23 and me. Not the DNA kit that reveals you once dated your half-brother “on accident.” The year 2023. Will this be the year I figure out the perfect diet, for instance? I’m not talking about weight loss diets like when your grandma lived off Tab and Figurines. I’m […]