Author
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Civil War II?
Gentle Reader: The following, inspired by Union soldier Sullivan Ballou’s famous “Civil War Letter to His Wife” should be read with wistfully sweet violins playing in the background, a la Ken Burns’ epic documentary. This updated epistle is inspired by a recent poll showing more than half of Trump-supporting Republicans believe a civil war will […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Questions for the pharmacist
Am I the only person who thinks it’s weird when the clerk asks if you have any questions for the pharmacist? Just once, I’d like to say, “OK, I guess so. Let’s see. OK, got one! Why is it that even though I work hard for the money (kidding!) I still can’t quite bring myself […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Florida man hoards documents, resists offers of help
On tonight’s episode of “Hoarders,” you will meet an elderly Florida man who can’t let go of boxes and boxes of paper documents. “It’s all about the paper,” said “T,” who didn’t want to reveal his full name. “So much paper. All of it has been recently declassified by me. Because that’s how that works. […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Sure I’ll compost; now you give up your private jet
Kylie Jenner, 24, looked at her partner, Travis Scott, also rich and famous, and asked innocently, “You want to take mine or yours?” Cue hair on fire. Because Kylie wasn’t talking about a car; she was asking which private jet they should take: his or hers. The Twitter outrage, fueled by a scrumptious story in […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: No COVID for me
Fun fact: It has been almost two and a half years since the pandemic started and I still haven’t gotten COVID. Nope. Not once. (I can picture my very superstitious grandmother demanding I now throw salt over my left shoulder and make an “X” on the nearest mirror.) I would say my good fortune, so […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Amazon healthcare — the drone will see you now
“Good morning, Mr. uhhhhh, Broncossuck83! Please sign in with your password and take a seat. The doctor will be right with you.” “Shouldn’t you use my real name? I mean, I know Amazon bought my doctor’s practice and nearly 200 others in large cities across the country, but I don’t feel right about using my […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Responding to France’s mustard crisis
France wants us to know things are serious. The mustard can’t be cut. The Colonel is gone; there’s not even a lowly private. Yes, friends, the mustard is, well, missing. The New York Times reports the extreme shortage of France’s most beloved condiment has resulted in nationwide despondency and desperation. If you can forgive the […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: ‘Hangry’ is real
I’m not sure how much money was spent on it, but a recent study confirmed “people are annoyed or irritated quicker than usual when hungry.” The U.K. professor who led the study told USAToday recently he decided to research the relationship between hunger and anger (gettin’ “hangry” as most of us call it) after his […]
Celia Rivenbark: Pediatrics group needs to back off with breasfeeding directives
The phrase, “kick ‘em while they’re down” springs to mind now that the American Academy of Pediatrics has announced breastfeeding moms need to keep it up for at least two years. Ha! In just two short weeks, U.S. women of childbearing age have been downgraded to brood mares AND cows. One can only imagine what’s […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: It’s reigning men
Where are the men? Have you noticed the peculiar absence of them from the Roe v. Wade discussions? It’s as if no one realizes they supply half the genetic material. Have they “gone fishin’?” Outside of a few depressing references to some shadowy rapist whom a young woman may or may not be related to […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Why I promise to never have a podcast
“You really should do a podcast,” a friend advised recently. “Right. Because you can’t sling a dead cat without hitting somebody with their own podcast anymore, right?” I quipped. Because that’s what I do all day—quip. “I know everybody says that…” she started “Because it’s true,” I finished for her. There are already too many […]
Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Life with a temporarily disabled spouse
My dear Duh Hubby retired last week. At 60, he’s young-ish to do so but he’s worked very hard for a long time and I don’t begrudge him. The night I popped open a can of Fancy Feast Gravy Lovers’ Beef Feast and headed toward his dinner plate was really all in fun. Hahahahahaha. Let […]