Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Buccal up, y’all! It’s time for a new look
Everywhere I turn someone’s talking about buccal fat removal. Pronounced “buckle,” the cosmetic surgery removes cheek fat leaving you with gloriously defined cheekbones. I’m not sure, but I believe the popular procedure was invented by Republican Congressman George Santos of New York. Or at least that’s what he said.
I’ve never had cosmetic surgery (obviously) but that’s because I’m cheap, not because I have anything against it. How cheap, you ask? Well, one time I tried to “fix” my turkey neck by gathering the loose skin behind my ears and trying to hold it in place with electrical tape. What can I tell you? Class reunions will make you do crazy things.
Another time, I ordered the “Amazing Double Chin Removal Strap” from an ad in one of those magazines that pays the bills with ads for sketchy products like rare-ish coins that no one will know what to do with when you die (“What’s the Franklin “Ment”?”) or shower to walk-in tub conversions in an hour or a garage light so bright it could fry your retinas if you looked at it. In other words, a quality publication.
The double chin removal strap was advertised as being so comfortable and attractive you could “wear it all day, even to the grocery store!” Let’s just say I was a HUGE hit at the grocery store where a kind person in the produce aisle asked softly if I had been in an accident.
“No, no, I’m just trying to get rid of one of my chins,” I said. Unfortunately, Amazing Double Chin Removal Strap made this sound more like: “Moofa? Muffamoofa mingolola. Eye-bye!”
Loyal readers may recall my unfortunate experience with “Beauti-Brest” a contraption that was attached to the tub faucet on one end, which allowed high-pressured jets of water to shoot through a funnel attached to your, er, “top” in hopes of making said top, well, bazoomier. Shockingly, this didn’t work and flooded the bathroom floor when the funnel part couldn’t handle the water pressure, popped off and sprayed water wildly about like waving man at a car dealership grand opening.
Truth is, I have drawers full of miracle eye creams, gel masks, lotions and potions of all kinds, none of which work. So, sure. I get the buccal fat removal craze.
The only downside would be what happens when you get older. Doctors are up-front about how hollowed cheekbones can make you look older once you’re, well, older. Turns out the buccal fat we’re born with is pretty valuable as you age and keeps you from looking like the vengeful Maleficent in “Sleeping Beauty” who I think was always just one Whopper away from being in a good mood. Those extremely sunken cheeks told the story. Girlfriend was just hangry.
Doctors also caution buccal fat removal could be a fad that no one would like just a year later. Amen. Your face shouldn’t be treated like a TikTok pasta. It’s possible chipmunk cheeks could be all the rage next year. I hope.
Buccal fat removal is quick. It takes less time than it takes to get a tooth filled, but it isn’t cheap, costing from $7,000 to $65,000, depending on where you live and how you feel about leeches. Kidding!
The buccal fat trend can be observed best by a Google search on actress Lea Michele and astrophysicist Khloe Kardashian, both of whom were conventionally attractive before but now, whoa! Their cheekbones are so sharp they could pop a bottlecap. Great party trick!
If you want to see if buccal fat removal is for you, they say you should gently suck in through a straw and look in the mirror. If you like what you see, well, you’re probably 25.
The rest of us should probably stay buccaled-up. So to speak.
Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist. Email her at [email protected].
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